Post 23 - Death of a Marriage

My first marriage was a learning experience that reminds me of the recent loss of my father. I know that it seems kind of wrong to compare the two, but my grief is very much the same.

By the time I left my ex-husband, he had become a drug addict and abused my child. I did my best to hold on and make the marriage work because I wanted my children to grow up with both parents in the household. I was the product of divorce, and I absolutely did not want that for my children. The day I walked out on our marriage, I had arrived home to see that he had pushed the baby swing that held our 5 month old baby over. The swing collapsed in on the baby and left him with bruises all over his head and face. That was unacceptable and I packed up my kids and myself and walked out of the marriage. I had given and done everything that I knew to do so that our marriage would work. That made the leaving so much easier. Our "marriage box" was empty. When only one person is adding to your "marriage box" and the other just takes, then your box is forever empty. I was tired of adding to the marriage and getting nothing but problems and abuse in return. That's not what a marriage is supposed to be.

When my dad died in April, I also knew that I had done everything that I knew how to do to help him at the end. We were very close. He was my friend as much as he was my father. I had also been living at home with my mother and him and was his primary caretaker. I made sure that he took the right medications, that he ate, and that he had everything that he needed. We talked and laughed and debated politics and the news. I have no regrets about not spending enough time with him or not doing enough to make the end of his life easier. When he was in the hospitable, I helped my mother make the ultimate decision to remove all life assistance because that's what he asked for. That's never easy, but I was comfortable with it because that's what he wanted. We honored every one of his demands and requests and I would like to think that I helped him to be more comfortable his last couple of years. His death was not tragic. It was very sad and I miss him like crazy, but it was not tragic. He lived a good life. He loved and was loved in return.
The death of my marriage and the death of my father were similar because I knew that I had done everything humanly possible to make things work before they ended. I gave my all to my marriage and I gave my all to my father's final years. I loved my ex-husband and gave effort to my marriage. I loved my father and treated him with love and compassion until the very end. The knowledge that I have no regrets makes the grief a little easier to bear. My conscience is clear, so grief is all that I deal with. I think that sometimes dealing with regrets is the most difficult part of coping with loss.